I am Ugly's Journal|
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|Thursday, June 28th, 2001|
|Wednesday, April 18th, 2001|
|If only you could see the way
i love the butterflies you leave me with
every time he leans in to kiss me, my breathe is taken away. its like im some 13 year old girl who has never kissed anyone before.... but theres something about how beautiful he is, that takes my breathe away.
when he closes his eyes, i see perfection. where ever i am, i can close my eyes, and know he is watching me. his kiss has healed my broken heart,his touch has given me strength, his glass fingertips have graced my scars and made them disappear, he has stopped my tear and blood shed. he has taken away the things i insisted on hurting myself with, showing me happiness without substances. no one has ever cared enough to show me the right way. and no one could ever replace the way his lips feel on mine.
im always sure to say i love you, and im always sure there are no regrets, because when reality hits me, it hits me hard, and i refuse to lose him...the hole left behind would be unbearable.
he doesnt see it, but i wish he would. every single part of him is beautiful, inside to out. every inch of him is perfection....i just wish that he could see through my eyes. he can lift pain from my head and make it never return.
sometimes i wish we could leave the world behind, and just be alone. let the world function without us.
|Monday, April 2nd, 2001|
|Sunday, March 11th, 2001|
|Too much emotion to throw away
I guess its the drama that gets to me. I cant stand it. Sometimes i just want to look at people, and say, live your lives, live your life for you, not other people. from here on out the past doesnt matter, dragging up the past will do nothing but make me lose time, and i have lost too much time to be sacrificing more. half the time i dont even believe where i am. its like i look at him, sitting next to me, and i am like, who are you? i know hes there and i know i adore him, but sometimes i just cant believe the craziness of it all. how his timing on stealing my heart was wonderful... how at the time when the depression was letting up, i begin to fill the hole with drugs, and if it wasnt drugs it was depression. and now look at me, im clean. i cant say i though i would ever say that, but i am fucking clean. and for some crazy reason, he loves me for me. he doesnt expect any more or any less. he doesnt want me to change... and i hope he knows i love him the way he is, and no article of clothing is going to make me love him more. if he could only see through my eyes. and i do everything thats possible to keep the people i love from the harm i know i can cause. and the way things go is i hurt people. but hes taught me to not hurt people. and seeing he is the one who taught me this, i cannot hurt him , i would never want to. its like i live in some weird dimension, always looking in, instead of living. sometimes its good, sometimes its bad. but ill tell you what, id give the world to start my live over. with a few select people.
|Wednesday, March 7th, 2001|
|do you think that you'll be saved?
i want to lose myself in you. i want to start all over. you are all i ever wanted. a n g e l . i try so hard to not expose you to what i deal with, to not let you see in. its a window in which you look, and then you can never look away. you can turn your back and pretend i never existed but in your heart you know that it will nag at you until you die. perfection is such an angry word. love is a tragedy waiting to happen. but no one can help you except yourself, and perhaps, thats the scariest of all, because what happens when you give up on yourself? tears that go uncried tug at you, but tears that flow will burn like acid. theres a way in which life flows, and only a few lucky people can see how this is. nothing matters. just let yourself be. and what is meant to be, will be. love is to be enjoyed to the fullest extent while available, and then to be mourned when it is taken away. give me one day to show you. one day to take you to the light and let you truly see. when you see though my eyes, suddenly, your world doesnt look so dark.
|Thursday, February 22nd, 2001|
| A mind is a terrible thing to waste
And here i am, once again. Another tea and apple filled morning :) I cant believe Im actually up, but the past few days, dreams have been waking me up earlier that normal. So last night was, once again, a NIN dream. Only this one actually contained Trent walking around my house, at a bbq. I must say, that this is a very very good dream. So this is a third nin dream in a week.... i wonder what it means. I cant find my daydream/nightdream journal anywhere... im very disappointed cause it was very pretty and it tied with a purple ribbon. I guess i will go buy a new one today. And im going to go get my moner order for my JOJ covetous creature cd. and then finally I will start to devolop the over 50 rolls of film in my house.
|Wednesday, February 21st, 2001|
I am not normally a aerosmith fan, but joe came over yesterday and he downloaded it :) and i like this song....
I woke up yesterday at like 4 am, sick, once again. Every freakin time we go on vacation, i end up getting sick. So Joey came over at like 12 and stayed with me, and drove me to work. We layed on my floor and watched the craft. I ended up coming home from work at like 5 and then he picked me up at like 8 and we went to his house and slept.... i swear that kid is the best blanket ever.
TO those of you who didnt know, I am now drug-free, alchohol-free, and nicotine-free :) Cept joe and i had champaigne in valentines day, but that doesnt count lol.
Oh i dont think i wrote about valentines day... lets just say it was one of the greatest days of my life :) it was realllllllly awesome.
hmmm saturday was the provoked resentment show, very very good :) im glad to see gen and i are back on speaking terms.
my parents are decieding to be very bitchy about me going to the cabin with joe this weekend, in the words of my mother "its just not right". ugg whatever, im going.
i want to get my snake today........
I have been having the craziest dreams ever.... but last night was just bad..... im going to go try and make the screen name my dying circle three, cause that was in my dream... we were playing some horrible horrible killing game and i had to go first.... but i think i killed my mom in my dream last night, i woke up beyond disturbed. ive been dreaming in color so much lately.... and they usually have some kind of nine inch nails involvment, and i dreamt about my mom again the other night.... pure craziness.
i talked to my lena yesterday, poor girl! her and i are gonna hang soon. i dont want her to leave for hawaii.
i decieded if we cant go to hawaii we will go to new york and penn instead...
anyways, i hate lying whores.
Gooodday everyone Current Mood: weird
|Monday, February 5th, 2001|
|Please save me from myself
It was always that song, that made me cry. For some reason it made me think of my past, and a certain someone who phucked me over in my past. And after all this time, and me doing everything in my power to be happy, that song can shake me to the core. Lately I havent had a reason for the way i feel, but I have made the realization that why sit around and be upset with myself? If i hate it so much, why not do somethign about it? I dont really miss the way things you used to be, and I definitly dont miss the people, its the situation i miss. because it gave me a reason, an excuse to feel the way i do. and now that excuse is gone, and dont get me wrong, i do not miss it, but what am i supposed to use as an excuse now? I cant pretend my past will hurt me forever.... some day i will get over it( or at least i think). but i dont know where that puts me for now. because, its over. thank god the road ive traveled is over. abuse i will never have to take again. thank god he understands. apologies cannot cover the scars i hold. nothing will make it alright. nothing will make me take you back again.
i am happy i really am.but some people think that just because your have a wonderful reltionship that the rest of your life will automatically be happy... and it doesnt always happen that way
hey whore, i still hate ya. just thought i wouldnt let you forget.
i want my dreaming days back. and i plan on getting them back.
i decieded everything will change.you will me, the real me, and i doubt you will like it.
i just want to slide away and let you all exist. did you ever stop to think about how the things you concern yourself with are meaningless..... when was the last time you sat alone in a room and didnt think a single thought... when was the last time you truly thought of nature as something beautiful, powerful and forgiving....when was the last time you tried to let your mind connect with someone elses?
forgive yourself, because no one else will. Current Mood: contemplative
|Sunday, February 4th, 2001|
|In adoration and misery, I seek you
Time will never show you
the things I have in mind
she was never the girl i wanted
she was never the girl i thought i would be
she wasnt the one who was supposed to be crying
she wasnt the one who was supposed to leave
i never meant to hurt her
i never meant to make her fear
i just know that if i loved her
she would be the one so near
i just know that if she lived on
to this day i would run and hide
she was the one that i feared
well, until the day she died
Honey... I dont know that there is that little thing inside your mind that tells you the difference between right and wrong. You seem like a really confused girl.... You place blame on other people when you do something wrong. You dont even consider the things you do "wrong". you cheat on your boyfriend and hes the one who is an asshole or whatever words you choose to describe him? and then you have the nerve to go into some "deep depression" about losing him.... You are really one fucked up individual
For some reason, I cannot stand to be near them. every word that comes out of their mouth seems to be completly moronic. And they have the nerve to hold my happiness against me? Oh I am so sorry I am trying to break free of the shitty life Ive been forced to live... Do you not remember what i had to go through to get to where i am? I believe i am totally deserving of being happy... I think the way you choose your friend ships is very screwed up.... i havent fucked you over, and yet Im the one whos left, right? Oh well, you will be the one who regrets it in the long run.
when i leave that place Im never looking back. and i wont miss a single one of them. Current Mood: cold
|Sunday, January 14th, 2001|
When I think of you, all i see is a shell of what you used to be. How wonderfully you played your game. I wonder how you can live knowing that you in fact how screwed over almost everyone in your life. The friends you once held close are now the worst enemys you will ever have. And i wonder why i miss it.... Its because sometimes I miss you, but then I think of who you have become, some self observed person who is in denial of anything ever being their fault.... Someday you will look back and see how you wasted away everything. and when you mean nothing to anyone, i wont have one ounce of pity for you.
If i could take back some of the things I have done, I would. I do not deny that I have done some horrible things. I admit everything, but I also know I have changed, and if no one would like to believe me, thats fine. Whatever, fuck you. You will never understand the things I have suffered at the hands of people who "loved me". You will never know the things I kept hidden for years, in the name of protecting those who hurt me. I am scarred. I am dead tattered and torn, and Ive had about all i can take. This is where i start, this is my new beginning, and I am choosing who i want in my life.
Joey- (When you look deep down inside you can see the anger flaming up inside his head) You are huge part of the beginning, and I hope you stay until the end. I try my hardest to not hurt you.
Joven- (its a long hard road out of hell) You and I have an awesome connection, please keep in touch when you leave. I cant leave a friend like you behind
Shawn- ( so far from losing out) You havent even known me that long, but you've always got an open ear for me, and that makes me have enormous respect for you. You are exactly the type of friend I need.
Chris G.- (what is real today?) You always make me laugh when I feel down, you make me smile alot and you dont even know it lol, thanks for always being sweet.
Eric-(the price of all this vanity is getting way to high) So far away, yet so damn understanding. I will see you soon. Be good, and be careful.
Jess-( tried to save myself, but myself keeps slipping away) I dont even know.
Amber- Youve been there alot for me lately. thanks
Im sure I missed people. But ill get to them later. To al of you who are nothing but firestarters on a mission to burn my hope away, Congr-adu-fucking-lations. ( in the words of joe)
Now that you have succeded, you should leave me the hell alone now
*wishes of death for firestarters* Current Mood: stressed
|Tuesday, January 2nd, 2001|
|*~ a wish for wings that work~*
no one can truly understand the things that running through my head right now. feels like he left without saying goodbye, when all i wanted was a everything is gonna be ok. when he asked for that i gave him better.
For My Fallen Angel
As I draw up my breath,
And silver fills my eyes.
I kiss her still,
For she will never rise.
On my weak body,
Lays her dying hand.
Through those meadows of Heaven,
Where we ran.
Like a thief in the night,
The wind blows so light.
It wars with my tears,
That won't dry for many years.
"Loves golden arrow
At her should have fled,
And not Deaths ebon dart
To strike her dead."
I'll bless your
name before I die. No person in everything can
shine, yet shine you did, for the world to see.
you will never understand, if you dont not wish to try. you cant just assume. i havent cried like that in years, if ever, and i was wearing the shirt, but you dont even want to know what i was thinking.
i dont like being threatened, especially with what you know breaks my heart to even think of. you can never learn trust if you never try. im not like them, whether or not you believe me is your choice, but believe me, i am different than the rest of them. they are empty and blank. all i asked was some reassurance that you believed this, and all i got was a threat. you dont even know how much hearing your laughter brightens a dark day. to know you are alive and breathing is a gift beyond anything i could wish for. every little thing you do is at least something you did, that might not make sense to you but it means the world to me. if you waste your life away, devoting energy and time, you will miss things that could have brought you happiness. all i hope is that you realize how much i want to show you happiness. all i ask is for you to truly listen to what i am saying.
every time you laugh, i smile
every time you cry, i weep
every time you hurt, i die
every time you say i love you, i soar
Let's all go in the river
A mirror for my disguise
To look at her makes me shiver
I can see right through her eyes in her mind
She is tongue tied, she won't make a sound
And believes she can only hide when I turn away
This imagery is haunting me
She won't fly away
She calls me so pleadingly
But I don't, but I don't know her name
I went down to the river
To wait for her to arise
I looked in the mirror
And sprinkled teardrops in her eyes
Numb, ah Current Mood: blah
|Sunday, December 24th, 2000|
|Hallowed Be Thy Name
describing touch from glass fingertips is impossible, i love him, i am happy Current Mood: cheerful
|Friday, December 22nd, 2000|
|deception in the worst way, clever in the least
All day had been terrible, some siking feeling in my stomach. I knew something was wrong. I knew it was something bad. I had begun to form things in my head, how maybe what i really do need to do is just stay away from drugs period. It was my first sober day in awhile, school seemed longer, more depressing than usual. But it was ok, because i thought he would be proud of me, because i wasnt high, i mean thats good news isnt it? i was in a daze most of the day, slipping in and out of beautiful hazy dreams. but still, in the back of my mind something was wrong. so i came home that day, with hopes of talking to him and everything being ok, cause i was being good, and i wanted to see him smile about it, because him being happy is great. in my mind, everything was going to be ok. i was starting over, clean. when i came home, i couldnt find him, i figured, its ok a late band practice. and then no word for two hours. so i was watching tv, well actaully it was on, i was staring at it, but i wasnt watching it. there was a thought running through my head. "what would i do if he died" and i started crying.
so i left to go get pizza and when i came back.... i had recieved a phone call. he was in the hospital, i didnt know where, what why how, my dad doesnt really comprehend things on the phone well. eventually, i found out what was going on, and around 11 pm found myself sitting in room 348, watching a weary angel try to smile. i wanted to cry. i couldnt though, i had to be strong. there was a look in his eye, and i didnt know what it meant. they were there, giving me evil looks, not saying hello. i was afraid to touch him, i was so afraid i would break him. i laid with him, and i cried when he wasnt looking. my worst nightmares had come true. sucking in tears is the worst feeling in the world, it stings, it takes away your breathe. they think its my fault hes sick, it wasnt BECAUSE HES ALWAYS HAD A FUCkING HEART PROBLEM WAS IT ASSHOLES. I DIDNT DO SHIT, i was fuckign stopping everything, i was gicing up everything i had ever none to make everything ok, BUT YOU DIDNT FUCKING CARE, you made him believe i did it all, you made him thnk i had hurt him, that i had betrayed him, when hes the only one i was being completely honest too. the truth hurts, but the past shouldnt control your future. i hope his faith in me kicks in soon because i am swearing, i am being true. looking into your eyes was the best thing i could do. all i could think was what it would be like to never feel your skin on mine again, to never hear your voice again, to never make plans for the future with you again... i have never felt such a hole inside of me. i never realized how SEVERLY much i needed you. you are my glue.
i make the promises i refuse to break, here is my test of all time. i am drug free now. i am depending on my strength to get me through. Current Mood: blank
|Sunday, December 17th, 2000|
|You are my angel
I need you near me always, you are my pain my love my joy my fears. you are my addiction and i have never had a better high.
dancing in her silents circles
she cannot hide her pain
her wings are dead and broken
teach her how fly
she wants to touch the clouds
and dance in the rain
and make love under the stars
god i love you
|Friday, December 8th, 2000|
|Dont stop, you can sleep when your dead
I flirt with addictions
i now know you lied, dont you ever get sick of the games?
you said you loved me,that isnt love.
Well, Im trying to make my mind my own, but i was under your control for so damn long. every waking moment i had was spent thinking about you, but you never loved me, because you lied to me. Youve made it hard for me to trust anyone. I cannot scream any louder, but still.. no one hears me. I feel so damn alone, but yet I now have you by side. and a lie hasnt passed out of your mouth. in your mind, what does love mean? is it true? is it pure? god, i hope so. i cant stay here like this much longer.
such a fallen angel.........
|Sunday, December 3rd, 2000|
|I just want to leave it all behind
Im listening to a song an old friend sent to me, before one of his many suicide attempts. this song means the world to me. it makes me cry every time i listen to it. he was an angel who saved me, but refused to let himself be saved.
*~best of luck adric, forever friends~*
my pure existance is a waste. i am nothing to no one. no one will ever be truly happy by my actions. there will always be something. something holding them back from love. old feelings returning to me again, but he isnt a friend to tlak me out anymore. im sure he is suffering in his little world, how i wish once again i could help him, but he refuses my help. in my mind he will always be a friend.
i would i could think cleary, my mind is so cloudy. when i look into your eyes im falling to pieces. i miss knowing the difference between dreams and reality, but yet i continue to knowingly disort them. i want to sleep it all away. my sadness is so immense. i just want to leave it all behind.......... Current Mood: Hopeless
|Monday, November 27th, 2000|
|You cant run and hide from yourself
truly, i am
Too much hatred to handle
you cant go on forever ignoring the world around you
someday, they will get to you, as they have me, they will infect your mind, make you see things that are fake, make your reality undifferentiated from your dreams. you will shiver at a well meant smile. you will be weary and paranoid of everything around you. you will give up on today, and despise tomorrow. you will wonder if you will ever be the same. they have made me the way i am, and now they torture me because of it
maybe i will get to leave soon
all i ask is for a little courage
someone grant me faith in something
|Sunday, November 26th, 2000|
|Farewell and Goodnight
He makes my head spin, hes a drug. he makes me stoned on love. hes intoxicating in a breathetaking manner. no on has ever been able to........
Lets look at some aspects of how this life sucks:
1) the severe amount of high school drama would make anyone look away in disgust. these people that surround me are gross. but it is nice to know they will never become anything, and their lives will be of complete waste, ahh the amusement of it all....
2) the curiosity you wish you didnt have... many things we wish we didnt have to think of though, but you just have to.
3) the girl who always acts so perfect, we all have at least one of her in our lives
oh i give, theres far too many things to complain about, and i havent he patience.
tell me if you have faith in what we believe. the lies you feed to yourself now, are the ones you choke on later.
recieved some news about a close friend of mine today, he will be pleastly suprised, boi, will he be surpised.
i wish i could dance forever, just take the tiny pill and let the world spin in wonderous circles around me, forgetting the things i hate. oh what a wonderful life that would be. Current Mood: indescribable
|Tuesday, November 21st, 2000|
I cant put into words the way I feel. Its far too late to be saved. I fear that the spell may be broken. I never said i missed the pain. I hope i am found before time runs away. it all just goes so fast. he's so far away. theres no way for him to know, i just hope he knows that whatever i do, i will always love him. the pain i have insnt his doing.
|Saturday, November 18th, 2000|
I wanted to move about in rhythmic motions that cured my soul. my body becoming one with my mind. i needed something in my heart that i had created. something i could love. i just wanted to be loved. reaching out into the distance, your silence grabs me and makes love to me in the night. glitter falls from clouds so high, and we inject our selves with shimmer to make it rain again. today is the day i loved you. Current Mood: artistic